Awakening My Inner Goddess

Three years ago I traveled to the island of Ibiza, Spain. My intention was to live there for awhile, retreat and rejuvenate during my divorce. My healing journey in Ibiza happened when I decided to unleash my wild sacred self. To rewild the tamed woman I had become. I was ready to release the tigress, priestess, and dancer within; the wild woman who ran with wolves, and danced in ancient temples amongst tigers and forests.

This was the woman who was buried deep inside of me. The woman I needed to uncover once again, to honor my authentic self.

Through the Goddess and dance, the spirit of Ibiza awakened me.

I arrived in Ibiza on a warm spring day in March. The island was green with rain and I could feel her thawing, opening, blossoming. I was one with her heart, round hills, electric skies and playful breezes.

During my first week I was introduced to the island’s longest living resident dancer, Zorah LeDuc. She was a beautiful, sensual belly dancer and lover of gypsy music.

In my first dance class, I felt the awkwardness of my body while watching young, beautiful and supple belly dancers shimmying and sashaying through the room. I was terrified of the feelings bubbling up inside of me. There was an old voice shaming me, “who do you think you are?” Shame, self-disgust, fear and judgment flooded in. Why had I stopped dancing? Why wasn’t I slim, healthy and radiant like these women? How had I allowed myself to become fat? I cried when I got home and promised myself I would dance again.

My wish came true. As I trained, ran, got in shape and practiced dance, I received an invitation from a Dutch woman I met in San Josep. She asked me if I would dance at her restaurant opening. I agreed without hesitation. I thought I was ready.

The day of the performance, there were few people at the restaurant. I was crippled with fear. I hadn’t choreographed anything. I was just going to move with the music. But my body could not move. My heart was frozen. Thankfully, the music system didn’t work either and I could not dance that day. My friends who had come to support me consoled me and said, “Its okay, you’ll dance another time.”

That night I dreamt I was dancing inside a red temple. There was a blazing fire in the middle. I was dancing around the fire, waving my arms in ecstasy, swaying my hips in sacred circles and offering my heart as a prayer to the sky. A tiger came to dance beside me. She whispered something in my ear and afterwards I was able to dance with great force and devotion.

My hair fell along my back like a river of dusk and in the red ray of light my spine opened to the fire. I felt part of me hiding in the cocoon of my skin, until my heart began beating, and drumming began. I heard ancient chanting, sacred sounds floating on red steps. The sounds opened me. Orange flames rose from my heart as I danced in spirals with a red hibiscus in my mouth. A flame whispered inside of me.

Even the heat had music.

I burst wide open. I broke loose like a snake uncoiling across the hills into a fierce old woman with round eyes and crimson plumes flying in all directions.

I felt my heart desiring and longing to express the fullness of my talents.

That night, I vowed to honor the truth flowing inside of me. Layer by layer, I unfolded my story. I followed my inner child, my little girl who was full of talents and gifts to share with the world. I listened and held her as she revealed her pain. I listened to her stories of shame, abuse, humiliation. I held her close so she felt protected, loved and cherished. I reassured her it was safe to be vulnerable and express her gifts again.

One month later, I returned to the restaurant in San Josep and danced my heart out in three choreographed performances and spontaneous ecstatic dances. Then I continued to dance at weddings, healing festivals and opened concerts for famous musicians like Prem Joshua and the Sunny Singh Bollywood Dance Academy. I lead workshops and created a dance movement called Sacred Dance – Shakti Flow and Dance of the Kama Sutra. I danced for three years in Ibiza and Greece.

No longer frozen, I learned to whirl in the joy and existence of my body. This feminine power that flows deep from within me was the courage of a new beginning that set me free. The voice of courage was wiser and deeper than the ancient voice of shame. And she roared. The fire of that inner courage fully awakened me.

In Ibiza, I unleashed every wild, waking moment inside of me. I set my inner soul free. I danced on cliffs, sang with stars, swam nude in the midnight ocean with the lunar light upon me. I did everything my wild soul wanted. I drank in Ibiza. I continued my journey wide awake, alive and open to all the strength that lives inside of me.

The gift of the journey was to reclaim my truth and the divine vision of myself. To no longer believe any stories of a broken, damaged, less than perfect woman.

Now when the ego voice asks me “who you do think you are?” I am vulnerable to it. I do not hide from it or let it control me. I open up and meet it, shake loose my hips and reply, “I am a Goddess, dancing my truth. Join me.”